Do You Need to Improve Your Marriage? Take This Love Map Test to Find Out – True Love Is Hidden in the Details
To truly understand a marriage, you must understand a person – and that person is John Gottman, the Marriage Whisperer, Relationship Expert, and renowned Psychologist.
John Gottman has written numerous books on marital counseling, one of which is *The Happier Marriage*. It contains an 'Love Map' test to assess your situation with your partner.
The 'Love Map' test consists of 20 questions designed to gauge how well you know your partner. These questions cover dimensions such as your partner's relationships, personal preferences, life philosophies, and how your partner perceives you.
I will now present you with these 20 questions. Please answer them truthfully. You will receive 1 point for each answer, and no points if you cannot. Finally, we'll tally your score to see your level of understanding.
1. Can you name your spouse's best friend?
2. Do you know what pressures your spouse is currently facing?
3. Can you name the person who recently annoyed your spouse?
4. Can you identify some of your spouse's life dreams?
5. Do you have a very deep understanding of your spouse's religious beliefs and ideas?
6. Can you articulate your spouse's basic life philosophy?
7. Can you list a roster of relatives your spouse dislikes?
8. Do you know your spouse's favorite music?
9. Can you list the three films your spouse most enjoys?
10. Does your spouse know about your current pressures?
11. Do you know the three most special moments in your spouse's life?
12. Can you describe the most stressful thing your spouse experienced as a child?
13. Can you list your spouse's primary life goals and expectations?
14. Do you know your spouse's main worries right now?
15. Does your spouse know who your friends are?
16. If your spouse won a lottery, what would they do with the money?
17. Can you detail the first impression you had of your spouse?
18. Do you regularly ask your spouse about what's happening in the world?
19. Do you feel your spouse truly knows you?
20. Does your spouse understand your expectations and aspirations?
A score of 10 or more indicates that you have a basic understanding of your partner's daily life, pressures, and life philosophy – knowledge that helps you refine your 'Love Map.' Regardless, when you're willing to open your heart and express yourself, or when you're willing to listen to the inner world of your partner, you'll strengthen your relationship.
10 or more also signifies that you have the communication skills to connect with your partner through this understanding.
Those with a score below 10 need to work on their relationship; it means you don't truly know your spouse, and there's a distance between you. Generally, gaining more insight into your partner and letting them into your heart will strengthen your relationship.
This test is like a prompt, prompting you to learn more about your partner.
In my work as a marriage counselor, two things consistently lead to poor marriage relationships:
1. Lack of concern and communication,
2. Excessive concern, but a failure to listen to your partner's actual needs.
Some couples, after having children, focus solely on the children and neglect their conversations with their partners, leading to conflict. It's not the arguments that matter, but whether or not your hearts are connected.
A woman told me that she and her husband rarely discussed anything other than the children, she didn't know who his friends were, and she didn't know what he was thinking – this led to frequent arguments.
Others say they don't know what to talk about with their spouse, even though they've been married for years, and they feel as if he's disappeared.
These are all signs of a lack of understanding in a relationship. A good relationship is built on communication and exchange, which will allow you to understand each other better and find your own space.
This 'Love Map' test can help you unlock intimacy. You can complete it with your partner or use it as a questioning tool, for instance, you can ask: 'Who is your best friend, and why him?'
The 12th question: 'What were the three most stressful things you experienced as a child?'
The 16th question: 'If you won the lottery, what would you do?'
These questions, each, can be explored in detail – it's like opening a treasure chest. You're entering their world, and this moment is a beautiful one for the two of you.
Of course, for a successful interview, the necessary condition is that your partner agrees to meet you in a quiet, undisturbed space, such as at night before sleep – this is the most conducive to conversation.
Marriage is never lacking in conflict; it's lack of intimacy that is problematic. Arguments aren't important; what matters is whether or not your hearts are connected.
I hope this 'Love Map' test helps you unlock intimacy in your relationship.
