Sorry, Me and My Gay Lover

July 23, 2025, 3:34 p.m. Essays

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On a long-awaited reunion with old classmates, I held my husband's arm, quietly sitting in a corner of the private room, watching them laugh and chat with delight.

Probably because my alcohol tolerance had further declined, only a few glasses of beer made me feel dizzy, until I heard a clear female voice, she joked that,

', that's your wife? She's always so quiet?'

The light shone on the ceiling, but blurred my vision, that moment was so hot that I almost cried.

I realized the things buried deep in my heart were once again sprouting, growing densely and vigorously, occupying my sluggish heart.

My husband noticed my change in mood and explained kindly, 'She's not feeling well…'

Upon returning home, it was already deep into the night, as we stepped into the grand hall, our carefully cultivated loving couple image collapsed completely.

He cared for me a few words, then immediately was attracted by a phone call, I saw the caller ID, marked as 'Baby'

He hung up the phone with a smile, 'I won't be back tonight, you lock the door yourself.'

Looking at his hurried back, I touched my face, how long had it been since I laughed like this?

I didn't remember.

I looked through the old photos in my phone album, thinking, I don't remember.

//01//

My phone has a private album called 'Xiaowa',

All the photos are of the same person,

◆ 'Adeline's Life' ◆

I used to like Xiaowa the most, her bright smile always makes me fascinated,

At that time I was in my sophomore year, seeing her for the first time, I was completely fascinated, without any warning,

I was troubled for a long time. I had many boyfriends before, mostly young men of similar age to me, but they all ended without a long-term relationship, earning me the title of 'slut'

This was the first time I truly felt arousing,

I privately explored the 'homosexual' circle, which was so foreign to me,

I read a lot of posts on forums, mostly the personal experiences of others,

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I didn't understand the difficult and arduous situation they described,

Because a knife will never cut into oneself, you will never feel pain,

Over the two years of my sophomore and junior years, I pursued Xiaowa, secretly and skillfully winning her heart,

◆ 'Springtime Confidential' ◆

Once, we planned to go to the midnight movie,

On the way, my phone was out of power and turned off because of insufficient power, when I arrived at the cinema, I saw Xiaowa,

She rushed towards me, crying and hugging me tightly,

'Why didn't you answer the phone? It's so late, I'm worried about you, do you know?'

I hugged her into my arms, my heart beat faster,

From then on, I always wanted to cherish this gentle and sensitive girl,//02//

Until graduation, our relationship was very stable,

We rented a house together, worked and lived together, we also adopted a cat. Those years I was very happy, for the first time I understood what happiness is,

I always thought that in today's society, it has long been open,

For the 'homosexual' circle, it's all about tolerance and understanding rather than opposition, but I later realized I was wrong, I was completely wrong,

◆ 'Call Me by Your Name' ◆

I was twenty-seven when I married Xiaowa,

My parents began to pressure me to marry, arranging various blind dates,

I was annoyed and wanted to explain, but I realized that I had to hide our relationship,

I once told my parents that I was homosexual, they were very opposed, even threatening to commit suicide for shame,

Or they threatened me that if I became a homosexual, they would shame themselves into jumping from a building,

So, at the age of twenty-eight, I and Xiaowa got married,

In the wedding, we held hands with our respective husbands and attended the grand wedding, which was a dream wedding just for us and Xiaowa,

My 'husband' was also a homosexual, and we were forced to hold a fake wedding, and we lived a peaceful life for more than a year,

We pretended to be happy, and finally broke up after more than a year,

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That day she broke down and hugged me, crying,

'Why didn't you answer the phone? It's so late, I'm worried about you, do you know?'

I hugged her into my arms, my heart beat faster,

From then on, I always wanted to cherish this gentle and sensitive girl,//03//

Until graduation, our relationship was very stable,

We rented a house together, worked and lived together, we also adopted a cat. Those years I was very happy, for the first time I understood what happiness is,

I always thought that in today's society, it has long been open,

For the 'homosexual' circle, it's all about tolerance and understanding rather than opposition, but I later realized I was wrong, I was completely wrong,

◆ 'Call Me by Your Name' ◆

Do we not deserve to have love?

I have asked myself countless times. We have love, but when we are exposed to the outside world, love is also lost,

Finally, only dry and barren land remains, stubbornly adhering to the old rules, and can only be numb and follow the so-called natural law,

Until last year, I saw that Taiwan could legalize same-sex marriage,

Taiwan is the first place in the world where same-sex marriage can be legally recognized,

I saw many people standing up to speak out for homosexuals, both male and female, with homosexual and heterosexual orientations,

We were entangled for so long, and finally collapsed after nine years,

Nowadays, in China with 1.4 billion people, the number of homosexuals occupies a minority, and the social acceptance of homosexuals is still relatively low, and public opinion is still biased,