Do You Really Know Your Partner? An ‘Love Map’ Test, 20 Questions to Find the Answer
To truly understand marriage, one must understand a person, and that person is John Gottman, the Marriage Counselor, Relationship Expert, and renowned Psychologist.
John Gottman has written numerous books on marriage guidance, one of which is 'The Happily Married' which includes an 'Love Map' test to assess your current situation with your partner.
The Love Map test consists of 20 questions, primarily designed to evaluate your understanding of your partner's relationships, preferences, philosophies, and how they perceive you.
I will now present you with the 20 questions, and I ask you to answer truthfully. You will receive 1 point for each answer, and no points will be awarded for incomplete responses. Finally, we will tally your score to determine your understanding.
1. Can you name your spouse's best friend?
2. Do you know what pressures your spouse is currently facing?
3. Can you name the person who most annoys your spouse?
4. Can you identify some of your spouse's life dreams?
5. Do you have a deep understanding of your spouse's religious beliefs and ideas?
6. Can you articulate your spouse's basic life philosophy?
7. Can you list a roster of family members your spouse doesn't like?
8. Do you know your spouse's favorite music?
9. Can you list the three films your spouse most enjoys?
10. Does your spouse know that you are facing pressure?
11. Do you know the three most special moments in your spouse's life?
12. Can you describe the most nerve-wracking event your spouse experienced as a child?
13. Can you outline the major goals and expectations in your spouse's life?
14. Do you know the main worries that your spouse is currently grappling with?
15. Does your spouse know who your friends are?
16. If your spouse won the lottery, what would they do with the money?
17. Can you provide a detailed account of your first impression of your spouse?
18. Do you regularly ask your spouse about what's happening in the world?
19. Do you feel your spouse truly understands you?
20. Does your spouse understand your current hopes and aspirations?
A score of 10 or more indicates a basic understanding of your partner's daily life, pressures, and philosophies—knowledge that helps you complete your love map. Regardless, when you genuinely open yourself up to express yourself, or when you listen to the internal world of your partner, this will strengthen your relationship and bring you closer.
A score of 10 or more also indicates that you possess the communication skills necessary for a healthy marriage, connecting you through this understanding.
For those with a score below 10, your marriage needs further development—indicating a lack of true understanding between you and your partner. Ultimately, the more you understand your spouse, the more you can draw them into your heart.
This test is like a prompt, reminding you to learn more about your partner.
In my marriage counseling practice, two situations invariably lead to poor marital relationships: 1. Lack of care and communication, 2. Excessive concern coupled with a failure to listen to what your partner truly needs.
Some couples, after having children, focus solely on the children's needs, neglecting conversations with their partners. They talk about the children constantly, but rarely discuss their own feelings or concerns.
Still others say, 'I don't know what to talk about with my spouse,' despite having been married for years, it seems as if they have no idea what their partner is thinking or feeling, and they suddenly find themselves at odds.
These are all signs of a lack of understanding towards your spouse.
A good relationship is built on communication and exchange. Dialogue not only helps you understand your partner but also strengthens your emotional connection and helps you find your shared space.
This 20-question Love Map test can be used to explore the possibilities of intimacy. Or, you can use it as a questionnaire to conduct a heart-to-heart conversation with your partner, such as question 1: 'Who is your spouse's best friend, and why him?'
Question 12: What were the three most stressful events your spouse experienced during childhood?
Question 16: What would your spouse do if they won the lottery?
The key to successful heart-to-heart conversations lies in exploring these questions, opening a dialogue that takes you into your partner's world—and enjoying this present moment together.
Of course, to conduct a heart-to-heart conversation, it is essential to invite your partner to a quiet, undisturbed space—such as in the evening before bed, when everyone is calm.
Conflict is inevitable in marriage, but it's not the conflict itself that's important, but rather whether your and your partner's hearts are connected.
I hope this Love Map test will open the space for intimacy.
