Author: Lao Cao
Source: xinleyiji2020
It is said that there are people in this world who love you deeply but don't express it.
♬Click upwardsGreen labelYou can listen to the audio narration of the National Studies host
Ending song: Father's prose poem
When I was young, most of my memories of my father were on a window.
At that time, he was working in Xi'an and didn't often return home. Each time he returned home, he only stayed for a few days before hurrying away.
Each time he would buy a lot of delicious food and new toys for me.He would tell me stories and teach me to recite Tang poems.He would lift me up high and spin me around in the air. I would laugh loudly at that time.Each time he left, I would hug him and hold the toys he bought for me, standing on a small stool, watching him through the window until he was out of sight. I have several scars on the back of my neck, my mother said that was from me falling down from the small stool.So, the most memorable memory of that time was his back figure.I didn't realize that in the years that followed, I watched that figure, from upright to stooped, from full of energy to lonely and desolate, from lively and vivid to dust.
I am the only son in the family, but for a long time, I was not sure if my father loved me.
Because since I was a child, he was very strict with me, It seemed like no matter what efforts I made or what achievements I got, he would never be satisfied and would never praise me.When I got double hundred scores in the exam, I excitedly handed him the exam paper, he just glanced at it and threw it back to me, saying that I still needed to work harder and wouldn't be arrogant. When I became the class captain, I reported the good news to him, he calmly said that it wasn't worth boasting about because there was a senior class leader.When I was selected as one of the three excellent students in the class, he still didn't show a smile, saying that all the excellent students in the class were worthy of boasting about.When I got into a good high school, he didn't congratulate me, just told me to study harder in high school so that I could get into a better university.For a long time, I felt like I didn't have my own life, the biggest meaning of my existence was to one day get his approval. Like many fathers in that era, he often scolded me.Mostly because I disassembled and didn't reassemble his watch, stuck a screwdriver into the power socket, and looked at 'Jin Ping Mei' (a novel), and also because I climbed trees and broke neighbors' glass windows.I remember that in my second year of high school, my birthday came, he bought me a new football.I liked it very much, so I played with it in my room. When I kicked it hard, the ball flew towards the window. I quickly rushed over to catch it, and when I caught the ball, half of my body was already outside the window. He quickly rushed over and pulled me back to the ground. Then he started to beat me, while scolding me, 'Don't you have any brains? Don't be reckless!'That time he beat me very severely, my ears were bleeding, I stood up and grabbed his hands that he raised, shouting at him, 'Do you want to kill me?' At that moment, I saw his face distorted, his hands also started to tremble.He let go of my hands, pointing at me and said, 'Go away.'I wandered outside for a week, suffering from hunger and dirt, looking miserable. But I couldn't just go back, it was because he had chased me away, he didn't come to find me, so I couldn't go back.Finally, one afternoon, my father found me.I looked at him suspiciously, I was afraid he hadn't let go, and he would still beat me.His eyes avoided me, he said faintly, 'Go home, your mother packed dumplings today, let's watch World Cup.' I got on his old bicycle, it had been a long time since I rode on his old bicycle. The last time I rode it was when I was in elementary school.I pulled on his clothes, I could clearly see his white hair from this angle. I realized that he was starting to get old.I said, 'Dad, let me ride, I don't want you to carry me.'He said, 'Hum, I can do it myself.' The night before the surgery, the doctor came to the ward to sign the surgical confirmation form for the family.My mother picked up the pen ready to sign.
My father said, 'Let my son sign it, he is a man.'
I signed with a trembling hand, and asked him, 'Dad, you will be okay, right?'
He got up from the bed and sat in a chair, smiling, 'I'm fine.'My father had a cell cancer.Three months later, my father was gone, he became a handful of dust.After the funeral, I tidied up my father's belongings, and I found a small notebook. I curiously opened it, and it was written:My son smiled today, but I wasn't at home, I didn't see it.Today I was transferred back to my hometown, Big Bao excitedly ran over and hugged my legs, Dad, lift me up high! I said okay, and then lifted him up high, spinning him around in the air. At that moment, Big Bao was laughing.In Big Bao's laughter, I began to become dizzy, as if I was spinning around and laughing in the air. I looked down, trying to see my father's appearance, but I couldn't see clearly. I desperately widened my eyes, but I still couldn't see clearly.I took out my father's notebook, and then continued his writing: Dad, you have grown fat, don't give me more food.Dad, 'Jin Ping Mei' is a good book.Dad, I'm grown up, I'm going to get married, but you didn't come home.Dad, Big Bao was born, he looks like you, big eyes, long eyelashes. Dad, my article was published in a magazine, I didn't use a pseudonym, I used the name you gave me for me, this time you don't have to cut others' names.Dad, I don't want to ride a bicycle anymore, I bought a car, let's go for a drive.Dad, you rest assured, I am really a man.Dad, I really want to tell you I love you, can you hear me? 
